HAVE NO SHAME

I know by way of topic this is quite awkward but i hope you stay with me till the end and fully understand what I actually mean

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One of the major tool i think the enemy uses to keep us women down is shame, now I’m  not just talking about women who are or have been addicted to pornography, sex, lust, fantasy e.t.c i’m talking about all women right now, i mean i hardly have heard people pass comment about a man whose fat like i have people make comments about fat ladies, neither have i heard people make so much fuss about a man’s figure like they do women (talk about  big ass, small boobs e.t.c), women get feel ashamed of things we’ve done and even things other people do or have done to us in the past.  That said, now for women who are or who have struggled with addictions of the sexual kind it is always a real battle not to live in shame, i mean if like me you have tried to find help for yourself while addicted you’d realize that the internet has a million help resources for men but a sizeable few for women and that could you to believe that as a woman who struggles with these things there’s got to be something wrong with you, unfortunately our society is a part of the problem, i was reading an article some weeks back where a lady was asking how much of the things we know  about sex are you expected to make obvious in your marriage? Meaning we’ve got to shrink our knowledge because we are married and that’s why adultery is prevalent among women, because when you want something and can’t ask for it and you meet someone else who can give you what you want without your asking for it (i hope that’s clear enough tho) it’s difficult not to go with them so you see these things we don’t talk about are the things we ought to talk about, and because we don’t talk about pornography among the female gender you never realize how many of your sisters are struggling too so we all wallow in shame secretly because it not a popular topic.

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shame isolates us and is able to destroy easily in isolation.

Now many times we confuse shame for guilt but really they are not the same, guilt is a product of the conscience hence the term guilty conscience, the conscience is placed in us by the lord so we can say guilt is of the lord, it condemns the sin, condemns the act and brings us to our knees in repentance, shame on the other hand is from the devil our adversary, shame attacks our person, guilt says “what you are touching is filthy” shame says “you are filthy”, shame is there to retard our growth and keep us from finding freedom in Christ, shame seeks to isolate you from God and humans who could help you, God has given us mercy freely and guilt brings us to access that mercy, while shame is there  to keep us  as far as possible from mercy, i like to look at the story of peter and Judas, Judas betrayed Jesus while Peter denied Jesus pretty similar sins if you’d ask me, but in the end peter went on to be that minister whose shadow healed the sick while Judas hung himself (although in some other account its said that he burst asunder) peter felt guilty and reached for mercy, Judas on the other hand listened to the wrong voice and allowed shame and that isolated him and led to his destruction, and so dear sister if you are struggling with an addiction or some other seemingly besetting sin i hope you read this, HAVE NO SHAME, guilt is fine it means you’re in sync with the lord i mean if you can sin and feel no guilt then there is a problem, but shame? DONT allow it, anything that condemns you, anything that has you feeling worthless over a mistake, or generally just has you feeling less, is shame and it does not belong to you, reject that when it tries to come remind yourself that you’re Gods daughter, you’re highly love, you’re accepted by Jesus and his mercy is for you daily. I honestly I’m not proud of many things I’ve done, but its in the past and that’s where is will remain, perhaps I’ve had sex with someone i wasn’t married to, and i have had nights i should have been doing other things but i spent feeding on pornography, but i already have made the mistake there’s no undoing but there’s grace for those who repent so i refuse to allow shame isolate me from the grace that can help with my mess, I’m not saying we should keep messing up but I am saying if you do mess up there’s grace have no shame come to the father he loves you so much regardless and if you’d just come to him he’d use you for his glory regardless your past. I know it hard to believe but addicted or not you are God’s daughter and nothing can take that away from you, stop allowing shame deny you of your place, come to the father filth and all he’d clean you up with the blood of Jesus, and change your garment it’s his job that’s why he is the father.

My life is not perfect i haven’t done right always, I’ve made many mistakes but i have no shame, I’d go back to the cross as many times as i need to, and I’d have no shame because doesn’t belong to me neither does it belong to you.

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HARD SEASONS

 

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Last night was a pretty hard one for me, my heart was just too overwhelmed and nothing i did was helping, so i picked my laptop to type but instead i sighted Travis Greene’s the hill album and decided to listen to it, by the time the album was midway i was lost in worship, my heart was healing, i couldn’t see beyond my tears, i was weeping like a little child (healing for me always begins with tears), before the album could end my heart was warmed, everything overwhelming me seemed to have disappeared. I was too amazed and for some reason i just knew there had to be a story behind the songs i had just listened to hence i made a mental note to carry out a little research on it, few minutes later i picked my phone up and there was a notification from twitter and i decided to check and as though to answer my question the first tweet i was way from Travis Greene, he was explained how he wrote a certain song while he was in battle for the life of his little one who was born real prematurely. Then it hit me. Could it be that during our hard season we have a special kind of grace? Could it be that hard seasons are meant to birth things that would not just be for us but for our world too? Could it be that hard seasons are our servants? What is it really about hard season?

While thinking about these I remembered the story of a pool in the bible called the pool of Bethesda, it was referred to as the healing pool, according to John 5:4,

For an angel went down at a certain season into the pool, and troubled the water: whosoever then first after the troubling of the water stepped in was made whole of whatsoever disease he had”

What struck me most was how the water was just like any other pool without the troubling and then when the angel disturbs its calm it becomes an healing pool, you see hard times are troubled times, so perhaps without our hard times (our troubled times) there’s severally little or no power we can exhibit, that our hard times bring out a certain strength, our hard times deposit certain virtues in us. I mean imagine a place like Nigeria where we have no regard for water bodies, where we dump waste in water ways that pool would have been treated specially, with complete regard, so perhaps our hard seasons (troubled season), place us in a position of honor, if only we would stop despising it.

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I mean take for instance the man Job, without the hard season that came into his life we possibly would never have heard of him, he would have been a part of the unsung or unnamed people in scripture, but here he has an entire book dedicate to him in the bible and for a zillion years to come the man Job would always be a celebrity, a beacon of hope a lighthouse shining bright for others, look at our mummy Ruth (:D) hard times came and she lost her husband, she followed her mother in law and in her hard season she was left to glean in a farm and there Boaz saw her and married her, but for her hard season she would have missed out on the privilege on being a part of the linage of our lord Jesus Christ.

Personally the seed of writing that the lord had planted in me began to grow and flourish during one of the hardest seasons of my life, i was at a point where i could barely do anything for myself and i was also struggling with a lot, i started out ranting about all i was growing (yes i said growing) through and then as my craft grew and i also grew i handed over to the holy spirit several other things have come in, but for hard seasons so many things i know, i have and can do today are products of hard seasons, last year i had a deeply hard time and in the midst of it all i decide to take up sewing classes, now in this season of recession and post grad brokenness i have been practically surviving on the cash i make form sewing, plus this recession particularly has taught me a lot about myself, it has helped build self control in me, now i can go to the market with a list and buy just what i wrote (because aint no cash for frivolities), i mean there were certain outfits I’d never have tried to sew because i could always afford it, but now i realize there’s so much i can do but comfort had made me too lazy to work but now bring it on baby I’m hardworking on a whole new level and because of this I’m able to keep a positive attitude regardless of what’s going on presently, because i see the lessons.

There’s a blessing in hard seasons, there’s a warmth in our cold season, there’s healing in our troubled waters, there’s a unique growth and lesson in hard seasons, but a host of us would never get the blessing of our hard seasons because we’re too angry, too mad at the lord for allowing the hard seasons, we’re too upset to take a minute and see what God is doing in us, we’re too upset to step out and work because we never imagined ourselves slaving around and now a hard season has come but our anger is beclouding our reason. I do not like hard seasons too but because i know what hard seasons birth in us I’m not afraid to go through them, hard seasons are your servants , your agents of growth, i hope you’d take advantage of them. Just take a minute from being upset and bitter about your hard season and receive all it’s bringing us.

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FREEDOM 102

 

In our previous post we discussed some of the steps to freedom, let me say at this point that in trying to be free we would fail and fall daily, its now you’re trying to be free you’ll come face to face with more temptations, the need to have Jesus in our hearts, without Jesus in our hearts when we fail we’ll get discouraged to fight, without Jesus we cant fight and win, at this point I don’t want to assume everyone reading this have asked him into their hearts  if you’ve not:   you can read through this simple prayer and if it makes enough sense to you say it to him with the whole of your heart “Dear God, I come to you today knowing that my life is pretty messy, and without you it’ll get worse, I’m sorry I’ve not acknowledged your death on Calvary but crucified you daily with my sins, I’m sorry and I ask that you come into my heart because I can’t fight and win without you. Amen”

Today we’ll be considering a few more steps to freedom from addictions

STEP 5: ESTABLISH BOUNDARIES

I’ve done a whole post on boundaries you can read it here, you need to build boundries, against whatever could lead you into temptations. This might involve lifestyle changes, it involves sacrificing, my papa once told me something he said “a wise man is one that Guards against his weakness” a life without boundaries Is one that is headed for disaster, you cant do everything and anything not because they are necessarily sinful but because they could lead you where you don’t want to go.

STEP 6: BUILD YOUR PRAYER LIFE

You’re possibly wondering why I’m bringing up prayer at this point, I’m sure you’d have expected it to be the first thing I’d write, while prayer is the most important factor that could make all the difference through this struggle we have to take physical steps, if I’d put prayer a lot of people would ignore the other steps they need to take on their own and sing “Jesus take the wheel”, and pray. We need to develop a very healthy and effective prayer life it would help a lot in the journey to freedom and even living free afterwards. Make out time for just you and God, most times fasting is also necessary and helpful.

STEP 7: SOAK YOURSELF IN THE SCRIPTURES

One of my spiritual fathers then would tell me to “eat the word” he’d say “je bi onje” translated (eat it like its food) the word is food for the soul. Daily read the word bury yourself in the word read it meditate on it, picture it to capture it when you do this it digests in your soul and your spirit man. The bible says remember your creator now in the days of your youth before the difficult days come, read the word before you’re tempted and when you are tempted the word that has been digested is what would help you, the word is Gods good news for our bad situations, feed on it and soak yourself in it and find true freedom.

 

 

STEP 8: DEPEND ON HIS GRACE

  • Sometime a ago my papa sent me an sms when I had a little struggle he simply said to me “pls depend on his grace” then I realized something we can do our best to stand but if we try to stand in our own power we’ll fall severally and if finally succeed in standing we’d fall as quickly it’s a one step at a time process it’s not all at once and if we do not understand that we would over work ourselves and end up falling back and deep into sin, and that would most likely discourage us as we might be really trying to be free and keep falling. I tried on my own severally and every time I tried I only fell a little more behind until I realized that it’s not something I can fight on my own, I need one stronger than I, just depend on his grace to move you through, you’ll need to put in your effort yes, but keeping in mind that he is the one who would do it helps you to fight and fight effectively. . So today I tell someone else as well DARE TO DEPEND ON HIS GRACE as you move into freedom.

That is all for today I hope this is blessing someone, if you prayed the prayer earlier and would like to talk with us you can leave an email unspokenwoman@gmail.com  we’d be glad to talk with you personally and help as much as we can. Gods blessings.

 

COMPLETE AND SINGLE

Countless times I’ve dreamed about love from a person as being the one thing that would complete me until I sorta fell “in love”, and i kept wanting more, now this person seemed to have a perfect life so I believed he would complete me but no matter what he did i wanted more, and then some more of the more and then some more again, i wasn’t whole, i had cravings i thought being in a relationship would satisfy, but he couldn’t, i had pain i thought being in a relationship would heal but I wasn’t healed, in my lovey state my incompleteness was still glaring and it became stressful feeling unfulfilled with the very thing you thought should make you fulfilled, feeling incomplete with the person you thought would complete you.

Then it hit me when we were done, the idea of another one person completing you is merely a fairytale and we need to understand that these people we expect to complete us are humans and just as fractured as you are, they have issues and if you would go into a relationship expecting someone to complete your incompleteness you’re in for a shocker. By doing this you’re giving Gods place to a man and baby God is not a man neither is any man God, so no man nor boyfriend can do for you or to that which is God’s duty, it’s better to quit trying, I’ve been single for such a long time(not too long, but long enough) but since getting my relationship with God thriving my lonely moments have been quite far between, and even when they come scarcely do feel the need to have a partner i simply pour my loving on God and let him warm my heart, its his fatherly duty.

Dear single sister, God is your creator and the one thing that is needed to make you complete is him, refuse to buy into false romanticises and all we see on social media about how one person completes another. It’s pretty much an unfair thing to carry expectations of someone else completing you into a marriage or a relationship you’d put undue pressure on your partner and frustrate yourself because that’s God’s duty, we can’t expect someone from the outside to fix or complete what’s on your inside, its the lord who lives inside of you that would fix that. If we’d open ourselves to God we’d realize how complete we can be with or without a partner when you allow God take his place in you when he decides to send one of his sons to pursue you, he’d only be complementing you. I mean you’d be like party jollof by you and them? They’d be the fried beef/chicken, dodo/moimoi/coleslaw. Yes your partner would matter in amazing ways but you’d be complete enough hence producing a beautiful and love filled relationship.

lol btw this meme from the amazing Adara Butler perfectly summarizes all i had in mind while typing this.

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YOUR STRUGGLE MATTERS

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I have a bad habit, and that is; i tend to belittle my struggle or even totally ignore it on the basis of “someone has it worse” or “someone elsewhere has greater struggles”, when i get in the blaming mood i blame it on the fact that so many times i tried sharing my struggle with certain people i hoped would help me i always got the “it could be worse” or “other people have it worse” response so i stopped paying attention to my struggle. But at other times if I’d be honest i ignore it in a bid to be less self absorbed. But by ignoring these struggles and pain because someone else has something worse they are dealing with i allowed little struggles to magnify themselves into major struggles, you see you struggle is real, it’s not like “ojuju calabar” we were told about as children, it is very real and you’d be doing yourself a favour to deal with it no matter how small it is, a little yeast works through the whole dough.

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Years after i stopped watching pornography i stumbled on a site that contained quite a number of erotic write up, initially i read it once in a while and yeah i didn’t think it was that deep i mean there are people who spend their entire day watching porn those are the ones who needed help, in my mind i was reading and not actually watching it live so i was fine, but gradually i moved from reading once in a while to reading once in a week and like that the frequency increased until the write ups were no longer doing justice so i moved over to videos, and then continued the downward spiral until i found myself fully close to having actual sex and then i started to address my struggle. But in all honesty there was no need to wait until that point before i started addressing my struggle.

Same with pain, whether physical or emotional, i know the cough from asthma is worse than the ordinary cough you have but you should treat it nonetheless, i know people with sickle cell anemia have far worse pains than the slight ache you have but i think you should deal with that pain, I know regular headaches may not be as severe as migraines but i think taking a pain pill is OK, I know you weren’t raped, you were only fondled or molested (without penetration), but it still hurts and you should take time to heal, yes there are ladies who were raped by their fathers, uncles, brothers e.t.c and because of that you feel like you shouldn’t deal with the pain you felt from being molested? But the thing is pain is pain and just because you feel like yours pales in comparison to another’s is not enough reason not to take time to heal because your pain matters.

I know in comparison to the worlds pain yours is a tiny fraction, but believe me it does matter, no pain is small enough to not need healing, no struggle is small enough to not need overcoming, it’s okay to grieve the death of your little puppy even in the light of all the killings going on in the world, yes grieve because the whole world doesn’t understand how much your puppy meant to you, I’m not advocating that we exaggerate every little thing, I’m saying deal with it quickly and let it be over.

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You are just an individual, another statistic when compared to the world’s population but i hope you believe me when i say you are worthy, you matter, you deserve to heal from whatever pain you have (regardless of how little it seems), you deserve to overcome that struggle small as it seems, Jesus didn’t die for specific sins or struggle he died for every single one, he died to take away that  your peculiar struggle and so your refusal to overcome it renders his sacrifice on the cross vain.

Love and light

FREEDOM 101

Hello people trust you all are doing fine may we continue to be fine. In the first post in this series we considered addiction its causes and signs. Today we’ll be moving further onto steps to freedom. Addiction is something that builds overtime and unfortunately there is no “5 simple steps to freedom” on wiki how its going to take steps that are a little more inconveniencing and quite frustrating cause severally it could seem like the harder you try the less successful you are but never quit keep trying and gradually you’ll find yourself walking free. Remember it’s an habit you’ve gotten used to so breaking free is not easy however it’s possible. So walk with me today as we begin on the road to freedom.

STEP 1: ADMIT YOU ARE ADDICTED
If you read my last post in this series, I wrote a few of the signs of addiction, if you’ve recognized any of these in you then you are most likely an addict to whatever it is you simply say you like. Now it’s the hardest thing to do though… admitting is one very difficult thing to do, you know why it so? Because after you’ve admitted to be having a problem you’d need to find a solution to help yourself and finding a solution most times involves a lot of changes and sacrifices which maybe painful to us. So somehow it’s better to live in denial. However we need understand that denial does not remove the fact that the problem is there it only delays the time it would be opened. Problem is delay is not always safe as most time it would end up hitting one in the face in an embarrassing manner at that.
STEP 2: TELL SOMEBODY
After admitting the fact that you are addicted you need to tell somebody, now not just anybody, but somebody you can trust and confide in. Now this person doesn’t have to be your best friend of close friend in fact I’ve discovered that its more convenient opening up to someone who is not too close to you, the reason being your friends have known you too well and possibly didn’t know about your secret addiction and so most times when they are told tend to react wrongly. It’s really not their fault most times it’s the shock of knowing. The essence of telling somebody is because “addictions thrive with secrecy”. And most times when we tell others it sort of keeps us in check… the idea that someone else knows does restrains us occasionally.
STEP 3: GET AN ACOUNTABILITY PARTNER
“What is accountability?” I hear someone ask, simply put accountability is making your weakness somebody else’s business. An accountability partner is that one person you can talk to when you are tempted or even when you’ve fallen. This is another difficult part on the step to freedom it involves you murdering your pride it entails you humbling yourself to the point of listening to someone else as regards your “personal issues”, it involves submission, an accountability partner is so many things to you, its one who keeps you in check, who prays for you, and who has an authority to call you back to order. Let me add here that once in a while they could step on your toes not because they intend to but out of love I call that THE WOUND OF LOVE it might not look so at first but you’ll realize much later it was all for the better.
STEP 4: BURN BRIDGES
A bridge is something that provides a link, connection or a means coming together. From this definition a bridge is not necessarily what one is addicted to, it involves the supply or rather the trigger points of the addiction while a bar is not the addiction the addiction is “alcohol” the bar is the bridge that connects the addict with alcohol, while a strip club is not the addiction sex is the addiction a strip club or prostitute zone is the bridge that connects one to the addiction, once in a while the people one relates with could be the bridges that fuel addiction therefore to break free, once in a while we would need to change our friends to break free. Burning bridges involves destroying those things that lead us into temptation to fall.

“SURVIVNG” THE RECESSION

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Hello sisters if you stay in Nigeria we know the phase we are in right now, it can be a lot of work  trying to go through this recession, and trying to look good  and having little or no money to afford clothes and in my case I recently graduated and I’m without a job and sewing hasn’t really been bringing in so much money and even when it brings it in there’s too many needs pulling at whatever little money I have and the cost of living is pretty high right now, plus I’m outgrowing certain clothes. It has been on my heart to share a few tips with you all based on certain things I’ve tried to do stay stylish to an extent even in this season.

  • SHOP RATIONALLY:

Yes i know a lot of us are irrational buyers for some reason we like to buy expensive clothes to prove a point or just because we can, well now in this season where perhaps your pocket money has been cut down or can’t buy as much as it could before, its time to be rational, stop dresses at outrageous prices when you can get same outfits at regular prices, don’t patronise stores you really can’t afford now, i know the prices are different in stores than in the market go by the market (true story certain people are not affected by the recession leave them to go by the shops) just buy less expensive clothing, its time to really let go of name brands for your survival and try out something else.

 

  • BUY MULTIPURPOSE OUTFITS:

Buy dresses you can wear to more than one place, buy dresses that are not place/function specific, for instance a simple black dress can be worn with a blazer (to add a bit of colour)  to church, or even to work, and then can be worn alone to a social event or a date, doing this  you would be saving money i.e buying one clothe and just being creative with it rather than buying many function specific clothes.

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  • TRY SEWING:

I don’t mean you should learn how to sew, there are amazing tailors who could make dresses just like any ready-made/imported outfit you’d buy at real healthy prices, you can try having a tailor make your dresses for you as opposed to buying so long as there’s a comparative advantage attached to sewing, if sewing would cost more than buying (in some cases it does) you can really just buy, but if buying does cost a lot more than sewing would then you can sew. I recently saw a skirt online and i wanted it but my account seemed to be laughing at me so i decided to buy materials and sew myself and in all I spent about five thousand naira below the online price.

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  • SECOND-HAND WILL SAVE YOU:

As a fresh graduate with no Job nor fixed pocket money, in this season, its imperative you swallow your pride and check out second hand clothing, there different types and some are a bit over priced for second hand clothing but they are quite affordable and durable so, try second hand clothing if you have access to them. There are amazing stores that sell very clean second hand clothes if you’re in Abuja you can try Karmo or Nyanya markets. I honestly do not recommend second hand undergarments and stuff, but second hand dresses would most likely save a lot of lives in this season.

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  • SHOP SMART:

 

This is not time to buy clothes simply because you want them, it’s time to buy because you need them, buy with a purpose you can’t just buy because it’s pretty (i used to do that before, i could buy undersized clothes just because they are pretty and leave them lying in my closest), you can’t buy clothes because you like the colour, you’ve got to shop smart, buy clothes you actually need and leave behind those you just like or think they are cute. Buy dresses that are functional, not dresses that are plain ‘ol fancy, right now and in this season functionality supersedes fanciness.

 

  • REVIVE OLD CLOTHES:

Yes it’s time to dig through your closest you’d realize how much you have clothes in perfectly good conditions you never got to wear, or just plain abandoned because you could afford new ones, well now is a good time to pick out your bottom box clothes, if they are outdated in some way, get a tailor to revamp them for you, try new ways to combine your old perfectly good outfit with new ones, it’s time to dig through and revive old outfits.

 

I will survive this recession and so would you!

 

p.s: this post isn’t for people who aren’t affected by the recession, it’s for people like myself who are feeling the impact of the recession.